POTTY POOP AND THE EVIL SQUASH NOSED CROOKSHANKS
by Cozboz
Summary: Well I do sorta want you to review and please please tell me if you think it's not funny as it makes it all the more funny for me, hahaha. warning this story is straaaaaaaange boy! CHAP 6!REVIEW!
1. Default Chapter

Harry Potter and the Evil Cat called Croosahnks that was Hermiones pet, remember!

'Harry was sitting in his dorm when he heard a graoan from the girls dorm. Harry went to inspect and he found Crooshanks eating Hermione!'

Harry: NOOOOOO!! HERMIONE!

'But Hermione was not only being eaten she was melting too! Crooshanks suddenly picked up a Weasel and through it at Harry.

Harry: AHHHHHHH!!!!! A WEASEL!!!!

'The weasel hit Harry on the head.'

Hermione: Harry..... Use the wand!

Harrys thoughts: Yes the wand!

'Harry got his wand out and flung it at Crooshanks. Everything seemed to go into slow motion as the wand flew through the air. The wand kept floating until it flew too far and out the window! Suddenly Viktor Krum burst in through the door'

Krum: I'vl save you Hermoninny!

'Krum ran up to Hermione and bit her ear off. Hermione fell on the floor and died'

Harry: You killed Hermione!

'Krum ran off singing the tweeny song, when suddenly Draco Malfoy burst in and started running round the room screaming and then burst in Steve Irwin and shot Malfoy through the chest with some weird ray gun thingy that fires paper clips.

Steve: Wiow, Iove been serchin for on of these. It's a rare blond haired ape! If he was to tag me Ioid surley die!

Harry: That was a human being!

Steve: Crikey! C'mon Skip the Austrailian Police must be searching for me!

'And with that Steve and his pet dog Skippy flew out the window on a stapler'

Harry:What now?

' Suddenly Harry felt the urge to run round the school screaming'

Harry' thoughts: Hmmmmm I don't know why but I suddenly have an urge to run round the school screaming?

'Harty ran round the school screaming, people started looking at him and lauging but all Harry could hear was the lepracaun in his head saying in a high Irish voice.

Leprecaun: Your doing great Laddie, keep it up, and when your done burn. BURN THEM ALL!

'Dumblebore then jumped out.

Dumbledore: Harry you have to help Voldemort has got a new follower

Harry: Who?

Dumbledore: Crooshanks!

Harry: UHHHH! NO! NOT CROOSHANKS!

'Harry ran off to find the evil Crooshanks and conquer him. Harry fell over and landed in a big room with pictures off microphones on the wall. Crooshanks jumped out.

Crooshanks: HAHA! Mr Potter you've come to my extremely evil layer. Now you will rot like a pinapple!

Harry: But this isn't evil it has picturesof microphones on the walls.

Crooshanks: WHAT! Don't you find them excedingly horrible? See this one here, it has an evil face, see.

Harry: But it's still not evil, I mean things that are horrible are usually thing like corpses, puke and fluffy white bunny rabbits.

Crooshanks: They're not scary, actually there very tasty.

Harry: Yeah they're scary, with all the hair and white. AHHHHHHHH!

Crooshanks: Well enough about my layer, more about how I'll go to this party tonight.

Harry: Well personally blue looks your colour and maybe with a hint of lilac.

Crooshanks: Well I thought the black.

Harry: Well maybe you could tie your hair back.

Crooshanks: You think so.

Harry: Yeah, definately.

'They talked for hours until Crooshanks went to his party with his hair tied back and wearing white. Harry walked back to the common room. He saw Ron.

Ron: Harry! Where have you been we've made a secret and pointless suprise party in the Great Hall.

Harry: Lets go then.

' They arrived in the Great Hall and everybody shouted his name and then suprise.

That night Harry had a great time. He got completely pissed and hooked up with some weird person who just gurgled and dribbled all over the place.


	2. The return of warty hog!

Chapter 2!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the hp characters or pokemon, or Steve Irwin. I only own Warty Hog.

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'Harry was partying all night long. The next morning he found himself wearing a loin cloth in the girls toilets where Dumbledore was wreaking havoc. Harry had apparently been hypnotised by a hynotistic monkey with a hypno disc!'

Dumbledore: Harry, we must all flee Hogwarts because the previous headmaster has returned!

Harry: Who was the previous headmaster?!

Dumbledore: Why a warty hog of course!

Harry: NOOOOOOO!!! Not a warty hog!

Dumbledore: Yes, he escaped from Steve Irwin's evil layer in Japan. He's after me because I betrayed him many years ago and stole his toothbrush!

Harry: You fiend!

'Harry then whips out a machine gun and does a matrix style shooting of Dumbledore. Dumbledore slides down the wall leaving a smudged trail of marmalade from his gaping wounds'

Harry: What's goooooing ooooooooooooon here?! Why marmalade?

'Suddenly the author (ME!) jumps into the scene, accompanied by his sister'

Author: Sorry Harry, if we wanna keep this story a PG we're gonna have to edit out the blood'

Harry: Oh, okay.

'Harry then licks a bit of marmalade off the wall'

Harry: TASTAAEEE!

Author: Come, sister, our work here is done.

'Sister finishes eating Dumbledore's hat and they get sucked down the toilet'

'Suddenly the warty hog arrives wearing a headmaster's hat. Then some fight music starts:

du du da du dum da du du da dum du da da du da du dum du da dum, pow du dum dum dum!

Warty hog: I'm here to take over Hogwarts with PIKACHU!

'Suddenly pikachu jumps in the room and starts saying his name in his incredibly annoying voice and a high pitched tone, over and over and over again.

Pikachu: Pikachu, Pikachu, Pikachu, Pikachu, Pika, Pika, Pikachu! Chu, Chu, Chu. Pi, chu pi, chu pi, chu pi, chu pi! CHU PI!!!!!!!

Warty hog; What, you want to chew some peas?

Pikachu: YESSSS! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL EVERYONE ALL THESE YEARS!

Harry: Pikachu how could you betray me like this?! I thought we had something special last night!

Pikachu: Pikchuuuuuuuuuuuu.

'Steve Irwin jumps in the room'

Steve: This is a legend! Wiow! A Pikachu! Niow I'm gonna try and get him him in moy bag so the evvvil austrailian doctors will experiment with him'

'Steve jumps on Pikachu and gets him in the bag'

Steve: C'mon Skip I've gotta take this one back to the lab!

'Steve jumps out the window'

Warty hog: NOOOO! PIKACHU!

'Harry picks up a weasel'

Harry: I put my trust in you weasel. Fly, fly with all your might. Harry throws the weasel. Once again everything seems to go in slow motion while it flys through the air. It hits warty hog. It makes a hole in warty hogs head and marmalade spews on the floor. Warty hog collapses on the floor and dies'

Harry: I WIN!

'Harry runs round the school, and then suddenly he hears the leprechaun inside his head saying'

Leprechaun: You done great laddie, now you know what to do! BURN!!!!

'Harry nods with an insane grin and runs off with a flaming torch'

Ron: What are you doing Harry that's my bed?!

' Harry had been burning the bed'

Harry: I did what the leprechaun said! HAHAHAH! HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!!!

Ron: Hey that looks fun!

'Ron picks up a torch and starts burning things aswell.

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I would like to thank my reviewer and my sister for helping me write the second chapter. 

Stupid fact: Albus Dumbledore in Latin means white bumblebee. Hmmmmmmmm?


	3. SCDALLAWAM

Disclaimer: I am lump of cheesy cheese, cheese cannot own things...

Attack of The Manic Snake Mongers/The Toilet Brush

'Harry Potter was lounging by the lake in the Sun with a pina colada, oblivious to Hogwarts burning down around him. Suddenly Cho Chang emerged from the burning wreckage of Hogwarts adorning a skimpy negligee brandishing a spangled umbrella. Harry suddenly leapt from his deck chair, discarding his pina coclada, throwing an abundance of pondweed and weasels at Cho Chang.

Cho, infuriated, retaliated by stabbing Harry with her spangled umbrella, marmalade spewed from the bubbling wound as Harry cackled, old skool (compliments of N*Sync)!'

Harry: HAHAHA DURING MY ORGY LAST NIGHT PIKACHU BESTOWED UPON ME THE GIFT OF CANNON PRINTERS!! THIS MAKES ME IMMORTAL!! RIP ME, BURN ME, YOU CANNOT DESTROY ME!!!!!! I'M MADE A PAPER, BITCH MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

'Cho Chang, so stunned by this, toppled forward, leapt on Harry and snogged his novelty Christmas socks off. Harry suddenly gained the power of flight and tore through the sky like an air-borne weasel. Cho Chang was left to boogy with the pixies she found in a hole.

Meanwhile, in the magical kingdom of Sussex, the evil monkey (who bit the author in an orgy in Gibraltar) was cackling with delight.'

E. Monkey: Soooooooon, Harry Potter, you shall be my wife.

'Back in the sky, Harry shivered involuntarily'

'Down in the bowlpits of Helleaven (it's not quite hell but it not quite heaven, but it comes with a lovely dobble of tartar sauce) Croo(k)shanks was running his super-cooooooooooooool (note the multiple Os) new both club. Crookshank's hair suddenly stood on end as the Godevil (he's not quite God and he's not quite the Devil but he owns a lovely little shop just outside of Paris, they serve great bagels) trod on him. Just at that moment, the doors of Crookshank's club were thrown open (sexy Aragorn style, by a sexy cat dog Aragorn lookiy likey thing, all wet and manly!) an on-looking girl died upon seeing his manliness [Author's note: this sexy manly Aragorn stuff is down to sister of Author, the famous and talented Kayochen] 

Crookshanks: Wow!! It's my favourite Cat Dog Star, and no, I'm not talking about that annoying (and terminally retarded) cartoon!! 

Sexy Cat Dog Aragorn Looky Liky, all wet and manly (SCDALLAWAM): I'm here to sex you up!!! Maaaaaaaaaaan!

'Crookshanks leapt out from behind a wall hissing.'

Crookshanks: Hey you're messin up my both club, mister!

'They argued long into the cheese, but, unbeknownst to Crookshanks, Steve Irwin was slowly making his way into the club.'

Steve Irwin: Wioooow! I've stumbled across the very rare both club, home to all kinds of smelly creatures. . . crikey! I've forgotten me protection goggle! It won't be long until my eyes are filled with all kinds of deadly discharge!

'Crookshanks, who was beating up Scdallawam, suddenly spotted Steve Irwin pooking happy club-going cats with pitch forks and hurling them into bags (the cats, not the pitch-forks). Crookshanks leaps into the air and two furry wings sprout from his furry buttocks!'

Steve Irwin: Crikey! Wiow! Juhooglums! These things are supposed to bve extinct! it's the lengeedary, wiow, mythologiical, magical, crikey, very rare flying platypus! Now, these creatures are very timid so we must use great care when approaching.

'Steve Irwin then sprints full throttle at Crookshanks whilst screaming Waltzing Matilda through a megaphone, he then impales him on a pitch-fork and does an ancient tribal cheese dance!'

Steve Irwin: Crikey! Looks like that li'l fella was a bit too frisky for his own good, now I'm gunna rehome him in a cage half his size in my evil layer in Japan, under sea, where evil scientists will experiment on him! MWAH HA HA HA CRIKEY HA HA HA HA!

'Steve merrily skips off slitting his wrists with a trusty pen-knife.'

'Meanwhile, Harry Potter, who was getting angry with the authors for not paying enough attention to him, was flying through the air (cue snowman song), happy as a chiwawa on caffene when he spotted something in the distance, as he looked harder and harder, his brain fell out.'

harry Potter: AAaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuggggggh! Brain go bye-bye! Brain I need live!

'Hary Potter, with the few brain cells stuck to his skull, then stumbled through the air whilst trying to bite his brain'

harry Potter: Where be brain!?

'he cried as his brain floated 2 inches from his nose. Suddenly the gay monkey grabbed Harry Potters brain between his buttocks and did an Irish jig.'

harry Potter: Monkey funny! Harry eat monkey!

'And so Harry Potter ate the monkey, bit by bit until only his brain was left.'

Harry: Harry need brain! Oooohhh! Harry have no brain! Daddy, where brain go! Ah, there be brain!

'harry then grabbed the monkey's brain and popped it in his own brain.'

Harry with monkey's brain (HWMB): Mwah ha ha ha ha! I have infested Harry Potter's body, now I can marry myself, hmmmmmmm, I think I'll get naked!

'And with that HWMB fly naked as a bald siamese cat into the distance whilst Steve Irwin skipped light-headedly through Kenya with marmalade spewing form his nose.'

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I replaced the other chapter coz i didn't like the ending. review like a monkey that has been told that if he doesn't review my god damn story the free world will well be errr NOT FREE!!! oh yeah and he will go to hell for charges of being a monkey that didn't review my story. U R IN THAT SITUATION NOW GO, GIVE ONE FOR THE TEAM!!! WIN WIN WIN WIN WIN ERRRR I MEAN REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW!!


	4. The beginning of the end of the epilogue...

Chapter 4  
  
The monkey fleww through the air fondling Harry's man-breasts and trying to pop the spot beneath his right nostril. As Harry's body collided with an oncoming band wagon, the mothership of all band wagons closed in around "Harry".  
  
'Oh cripes it's all going potty for I, methinks!' Harry ejaculated.  
  
But in a freakl coincidence, the weasel on a rebound off Steve Irwin walloped Harry in the face and his mon key brain flew in a shower of uncooked pasta from his ear and was caught in the turbines of an oncoming jet.  
  
'OoooooooooooooooOooooh! Pasta!'exclaimed the flight attendant who happened to be Hornmione, Hermione's slut sister. Harry, now with no brain what- soever collapsed in a heap cryin 'Antiquityyyyyyyyy!'  
  
Meanwhile, in Australia, Pikachu and Steve were battling it out on pokemon challenge for the ultimate prize of meeting Ash, the star of the epilepsy- inducing cartoon.  
  
'Aurgh fackadoodle, that swivvle right hook is undefendable, even boi myoi standards!'Steve cried throwing a frenzious punch in the diretion of Pikachu's manhood...  
  
Little did he know that all the pokemon had had their man/womanhood removed by Proffesor Oak. . . bastard. Or professor Bastard as he's often known....  
Meanwhile Harry was fondling radishes crying '1ST QUOTE CAR INSURANCE!!'  
  
A random ethnic minority extra lepapt on to the scene crying 'That was wicked Harry!' Harry replied –  
  
'Oooooooo, uhhhhhhh, oooooohhh yehhhhhh-WHAT D'YU MEAN I CAN'T GIVE BIRTH TO A MOOSE?!' Harry stood up brandishing his trusty radish and took a hefty swing in the direction of Proffesor Anus McPing-Pong Pussy, the new Proffesor of Dark Arts teacher.....the now ex Professor of Dark Arts....  
  
Meanwhile Steve Irwin was holding Pikachu in a headlock demanding that he admit that he used a secret code enabling Pikachu to achieve the super indecisive "one-two" on Pokemon challenge.  
  
'You dirty rectum munching codswoblle, you won't be taggin' me any time soon!' Steve whipped out his snake stick and squared up with Pikachu...  
'PIKKKKKKKKKACHUUUUUUU....' He roared and lept through the air in the direction of Steve's throbbing mendulla oblongata...  
  
Meanwhile Potty Poop (as Harry was demanding to be called, with pain of radish swobbling till death do you part, he would cry).  
  
'Potter, put th-' Franklin of Humbleduff cried.  
'THAT'S POTTY POOP TO YOU, YOU INSENSITIVE PARENTAL SPANKER!' Potty Poop ejaculated at the top of his voice.  
'Harry...I just want to love you again!' A ginger quaffle malingerer squelched in a ridiculously mad antelope impressionist voice.  
'R-R-Ronnykins? My love? My poodle spankee?'  
'Yes poodle poosh pringle, it's me....' Ron sobbed through a mouthful of Harry's favourite esparagus'.... Potty Poop lept down from the refuge of his cannon tower (you know the one from Age of Empires 2 with the massive gun and blam, blam! BLAM!! Sorry about that anyway moving on...)and careened towards the ginger headlamp on the horizon christened Ron.  
  
Slow motion running  
  
..................  
  
.............TO BE CONTINUED....... 


	5. HARRY'S MADNESS

Harry (Potty Poop as he prefer to be referred to) careened across the barley fields with his pillow arsenol under his arm gave chase to the beacon that was Ron.

**Harry**: 'Return that boob thou hast called RONNYKINS!' bawled Harry at the entranced, innocent and wholey adorable poodle that lay in Ronnykins' arms.

**Ron:** 'Ya can nae' stop me now Harry' gurgled Ron through milkshakes readily made by poodlle Poosh Pringle (PPP). 'Our time is ancient history, by, bygone, closed, completed, concluded, done, done with, ended, finished, gone, past, settled, OVER!' Ronnykins wailed over a plate of ready made asparagus.'

Harry stopped in his tracks and stared at Ronnykins, who proceeded to knaw on his aspargus shoots. Harry's galsses were askew and were soon brimmnig with tears. He collapsed to his knees.

**Harry: '**I thought we had something special man, love, a hankering if you will. Ronnykins? To be completely honest I gots the hots for you the moment you stepped into my carriage on the train boy. My fondness is best explained by looking at your beacon like hair, those ginger locks, that fluffy tuft of gold upon your angelic features. Re-enter my life Ronnykins, make me feel special, immortal and individual baby' Harry cackled now hysterical with sobs and tears.

Harry lay in the grass wimpering, ejaculating awful phrases and words at Ronnykins and Poodle now and then.Ron stood awkwardly shuffling his burlesque hooves from side to side. Ron wiped the milshake from his hair and spat the remainding shoots of asparagus from his mouth, so benevolently that Harry proceeded to stop wimpering.

**Ron: '**Hawwy? My pumpkin? It's sob too late pumpkin, during your captivating speech me and Poodle here, well we've agreed to be lets say….affiliated? Bound in holy matramony. I mean she makes a barabarous milkshake. And man your asparagus, is shite to my lips in comparison to her "Crème de la crème de la Poodle". Not anything can adjust my feelings for Poodle here. I'm so sorry pumpkin chin…'

And with that, Harry turned on his hooves and tramped away down the hills, the little animals of the forest spitting and giggling on the half man as he was to be known as from now on. Harry pulled his hand from his pocket holding his wand.

**Harry: '**I deduce that this must be the climax, afterpiece, blow-off, button, cessation, chaser, climax, close, closer, conclusion, consummation, crowning glory, culmination, denouement, end, end piece, epilogue, finis, finish, last act of Potty Poop's long and pathetic life.' Harry drew his wand and put it between his eyes. 'I'm sorry Dumbledore' Harry pronounced to the merriment and delight of the onlooking trees and animals. 'Hey I'm trying to make a speech guys so just shut the fuck up guys' Harry meowed at the trees and animals. They shut the fuck up. 'Now where was I dickwads, oh yeah Dumbledore I'm so sowwy' Harry sobbed.

One particula squirrel looked as if he was having particualr difficulty in shuting the fuck up, he guffawed and chortled, and soon the whole forest was chuckling and sniggering at Potty Poop the greatest fiasco of the wizarding world. Harry was once again on the floor kicking and screaming in complete hysterics while the forest frezied over his shrivelled body……..**TO BE CONTINUED**…….


	6. The end of the beginning epilogue

**Author Note: **Hmmmm where to begin, ahh yes reviewers, well I must thank poohead for his lovely review, I do hope you did not soil yourself in the process of reading this story. Also I must thank Darkjdeg for reviewing I'm sorry I scared you so, but GROW SOME BACKBONE DAMMIT! And finally I come to Stolen-Fate, I must thank you for your review but to be honest the whole point of this story is to be ridiculous (copy that out ten times you illiterate) and may I add ridiculous is exciting laughter; absurd, preposterous, comical, laughable and that was exactly what the story was meant to be.

Crookshanks bounded out of the forest, his flat nose tingling with delight as he circumnavigated his way through the forest towards Potty Poop's celestial being.

**Crookshanks: '**Potty Poop cast thy wand away from one's forehead! You are forgetting about my adulation for you.' Caterwauled Crookshanks from beneath Viktor Krum's beefcake.

Potty Poop sobbed into his hanky, inept of hearing Crookshank's prattle. Potty Poop raised his wand and began to spiel abhorrent curses and spells. He pulled his wand back ready for the final killer blow. Suddenly to Potty Poop's repugnance Crookshanks bounded through the smoke filled air, and roundhoused Potty Poop, cuffing Potty Poop's wand though his the in the process.

Steve Irwin, who had been regarding the scene with lustful eyes from the highest treetop, pratfall onto the scene.

**Steve Irwin: '**Wiow crikkkkkkey! This is the famous squash nosed cat!' Steve vaulted upwards, knife in belly and a choleric look painted upon his sweaty countenance. Crookshanks escalated, escalator like towards the fire exit. Steve and the wholesome berries encompassed Crookshanks beefy little tail. Potty Poop examining this conundrum, decided that it would be best to "make like a tree". Wand in eye, Potty Poop footslogged away from the boxing cat and Bush man.

Potty Poop strolled through the gates of Hogwarts like he had been gone five minuted.

**Potty Poop: '**Alrite Dumbledore mate?' he babbled incoherently to the castle wall. People were looking round now as they saw a babbling, scar faced, four eyed, lanky teeny bopper. Forthwith, Hermione rounded a corner and clattered into Potty Poop.

**Hermione: '**Oh Harry! It must be so for miracles are ceased! And therefore we must needs admit the means! How things are perfected' Hermione lamented, spittle flying in all directions. She proceeded to grab the wand protruding from Potty Poop's eye and wrench it out with such force he proceeded to ooze discharge from every pore. Emerging from a nearby greenhouse Madame Pomfrey skidded to a halt by Potty Poop's dripping person.

**Madame Pomfrey: '**We must get you to the hospital wing at once' she giggled through mouthfuls of marmalade. At with that Madame Pomfrey whisked Harry off to the hospital wing her trusty spangled umbrella in hand.


End file.
